Fred's Funny pages
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Wine and Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
Smart blonde
On an airplane, a lawyer is seated next to a hot blonde. Yada, yada, he was trying to tie up a conversation with her... unsuccessful.
The blonde looks out the window, tries to sleep... The lawyer, pi$$ed off:
- Look, let's play a cool game! I ask you a question and, if you don't know the answer, you give me 5$, then you ask me a question and, if I don't know the answer, I give you 5$. And so on..
- No sir, I'm sorry, I'm tired and I would like to get some rest...
The lawyer, even more pi$$ed:
- Ok, then we can play another game! I ask you a question and, if you don't know the answer, you give me 5$; you ask me a question and, if I don't know the answer, I will give you 500$ !!
The blonde finally agrees.
- What is the distance from the Earth to the Moon?
The blonde opens her purse and hands him 5$.
- What is small, has 3 legs and climbs up the hill?
The lawyer thinks, takes out his laptop, searches a few data bases..., searches the internet..., sends emails to all his friends..., finally, after one hour, all sweated, hands 500$ to the blonde. She takes the money, turns around and, bored, starts looking out the window.
The lawyer, hysterically:
- Oh, come on! What is small, has 3 legs and climbs up the hill?
Then the blonde opens her purse and gives him a 5$ bill.
On an airplane, a lawyer is seated next to a hot blonde. Yada, yada, he was trying to tie up a conversation with her... unsuccessful.
The blonde looks out the window, tries to sleep... The lawyer, pi$$ed off:
- Look, let's play a cool game! I ask you a question and, if you don't know the answer, you give me 5$, then you ask me a question and, if I don't know the answer, I give you 5$. And so on..
- No sir, I'm sorry, I'm tired and I would like to get some rest...
The lawyer, even more pi$$ed:
- Ok, then we can play another game! I ask you a question and, if you don't know the answer, you give me 5$; you ask me a question and, if I don't know the answer, I will give you 500$ !!
The blonde finally agrees.
- What is the distance from the Earth to the Moon?
The blonde opens her purse and hands him 5$.
- What is small, has 3 legs and climbs up the hill?
The lawyer thinks, takes out his laptop, searches a few data bases..., searches the internet..., sends emails to all his friends..., finally, after one hour, all sweated, hands 500$ to the blonde. She takes the money, turns around and, bored, starts looking out the window.
The lawyer, hysterically:
- Oh, come on! What is small, has 3 legs and climbs up the hill?
Then the blonde opens her purse and gives him a 5$ bill.
Old joke.........
A man goes in to a pharmacy. He's looking all around, he seems kinda nervous.
Finally, he approaches counter and speaks to the woman there.
"Um, could I speak to the pharmacist, please?"
"I am the pharmacist, sir. Can I help you?"
"Well, please don't take offense, but is there a male pharmacist I could speak to?"
"I'm sorry, sir, that's not possible. My sister and I are the owners and the only employees. Are you sure I can't help you, sir? I assure you of my complete discretion."
The man takes a deep breath, stutters and finally says, "I have these erections that last for four or five hours at a time. What can you give me for it?"
"Hmmm," she frowns, "Let me go talk to my sister, sir," ad disappears into the back. In a minute or so she returns. "Sir," she says, "my sister and I talked it over and I'm afraid the best we can do is $50,000 and a third of the store."
A man goes in to a pharmacy. He's looking all around, he seems kinda nervous.
Finally, he approaches counter and speaks to the woman there.
"Um, could I speak to the pharmacist, please?"
"I am the pharmacist, sir. Can I help you?"
"Well, please don't take offense, but is there a male pharmacist I could speak to?"
"I'm sorry, sir, that's not possible. My sister and I are the owners and the only employees. Are you sure I can't help you, sir? I assure you of my complete discretion."
The man takes a deep breath, stutters and finally says, "I have these erections that last for four or five hours at a time. What can you give me for it?"
"Hmmm," she frowns, "Let me go talk to my sister, sir," ad disappears into the back. In a minute or so she returns. "Sir," she says, "my sister and I talked it over and I'm afraid the best we can do is $50,000 and a third of the store."
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'
'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'
'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
AC Bill
Well-known member
[h=2]This is how bad the economy is:[/h]
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you, or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you, or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Finally..
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
AC Bill
Well-known member
I spent over an hour at the Wife's grave this morning...
Bless her heart, she thinks I'm digging a fish pond.
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Bless her heart, she thinks I'm digging a fish pond.
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At a U2 concert in Newfoundland, Bono, the lead singer, asks the
audience for some quiet, and then he slowly starts to clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,
"I want you to think about something..... Every time I clap my hands,
a child in Africa dies."
A Newfie in the front yells out, "Then stop clappin' ya fookin hands asshole"!
audience for some quiet, and then he slowly starts to clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,
"I want you to think about something..... Every time I clap my hands,
a child in Africa dies."
A Newfie in the front yells out, "Then stop clappin' ya fookin hands asshole"!
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer
on your own. The answer is at the bottom of the email for those who are
unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle: At the exact same
time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One
is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The
other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are
both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?
-
-
-
-
-
Don't look down.
on your own. The answer is at the bottom of the email for those who are
unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle: At the exact same
time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One
is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The
other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are
both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?
-
-
-
-
-
Don't look down.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole @#?}%&! box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.
"Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole @#?}%&! box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.
"Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memorial
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memorial
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Two old guys, one 72 and one 77, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 77-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 72-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 77-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. "So, on the way home the 72-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "Yes, please . I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me.”
AC Bill
Well-known member
What is she thinking about? I laugh every time I watch this blooper..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltItJJW_N60
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltItJJW_N60
