Fred's Funny pages

Enter a message with at least 10 characters..hmmm? Would the Seven Dwarf's count? At least I'd be more than halfway..


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Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.


Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'



Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.
 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Peggy!”
 
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!” The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.” The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!” The preacher said, “No shit?”
 
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
 
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. “Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.”
 
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa… “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
 
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
 
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. “These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
 
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
 
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a shipping company, based in St. John's.

The same day a Norwegian applied for the same job. Since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test.

The were both led to to a quiet room to take the test.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct.
This being Newfoundland, and me being a Newfie, surely I should get the job.”

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question you got wrong.”

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian answered, 'I don't know.’

On the exact same question, you answered, 'Neither do I.’ "
 
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