Fred's Funny pages


Staff member
A rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the the car just won't move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiosly calls the Dealership and they send a Technician to examine her car.

The Technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies, "You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question?

I am not stupid you know!

Of course I am using the right gears................

.................. I use "D" during the Day and "N" at Night!

It's a good thing it wasn't Raining!
Another Gem from ACBill

after being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed,and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make damn sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Hmmmm...decisions, decisions..
Football FINALLY makes sense.........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Blonde Parks Car In Snow
Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
The Elderly Couples' Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, ... the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes we do," he answered.

She asked, "Does it really work?"

"Yes, it certainly does," he answered.

She said, "So can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied with a wink.
The Golfer

While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?

"I'll tell you, but you'd laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't," he promised.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said, "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not why I'm laughing," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm ""still"" a hole behind you."
Two Sides To Every Story

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet in a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls, so I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place intimate to talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up.

Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way home I said that I loved him deeply, and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so afterward I just wanted to comfort him, but instead I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Played badly today-shot 87-can't putt for crap. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey , they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough . After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no . Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no . The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue . The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth . As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there “Hind Lick Maneuver” but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed

a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the side &

a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet. the wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire-fighter walked over to have a closer look. "that sure is a nice fire truck," the fire-fighter said with admiration.

"thanks," the girl replied.

the fire-fighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dogs collar & to the cats testicles.

"little partner," the fire-fighter said. "i don't mean to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, i think you could go faster".

"the little girl replied thoughtfully, "you're probably right, but then i wouldn't have a siren".
An older couple goes to a doctor's office and ask him to watch them have sex. although he considers it a rather bizarre request, the doctor agrees and watches them have sex.

After it was over, the doctor tells them he noted nothing abnormal. the couple thanked him while dressing and paid the receptionist for the visit. Every week for three weeks, the couple returned with the same request, which the doctor obliged.

However, by the last visit, the doctor asked the couple what the deal was. The old man explained, "well, my kids still live at my place so we can't go there. she has grandchildren at her place so we can't go there. A hotel room costs $40 and you only charge us $35 -- and medicare picks up 80 percent of that."
It was the postmans last day before retirement. As he made his last delivery to one of the homes on his route a shaply young female appeared.

"It's your last day for delivering mail so why don't you come on in and have a nice lunch?" she inquired.

He tried to decline but she insisted, and to his surprise she had a table spread out with all sorts of foods and drinks. After an hour of eating he gave a slight sigh to which the young female asked, "Why don't you come upstairs for dessert?"

Again the postman tried to resist, and again she insisted, so he went upstairs and had "dessert" for over an hour. Now the postman was really greatful, smiling and wondering why he didn't retire more often. As he put on hls cloths the young woman kissed him on the forhead and tucked a dollar in his shirt. Now he was really surprised and said "I enjoyed the lunch and I reallllyyy enjoyed dessert, but I don't understand the dollar."

"Oh", she replied as she was slipping on her underwear, I told my husband last night that it was the mailman's last day - he said "Screw the mailman and give him a dollar", but the lunch was my idea.
I am a Seenager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 40/50/60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long….why be scared. And…I don't have acne. Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a "Seenager".
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!!
A wife came home early...and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and was very upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away.'

The husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!

And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued -'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ' Please Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
warns. It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really
none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and
daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated
mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."Later that night the little
girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."The mother
is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and
shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"And," the little girl
says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report
that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said,
"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build,
weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has
a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"

The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."
OK..I finally found the Joke area of the new forum! I just knew there had to be one..