Fred's Funny pages




​
Wow!!!! Only in Ottawa, Ontario... will you see this shit !.​
​
You will not believe what happened to me today. pulled in to get gas at the Esso gas station. ​
​
Having only cash I had to pay inside. As I was walking in, I noticed these two Ottawa Police Officers watching a guy who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw him and thought, ​
"Is this man drunk, stupid, or just crazy?!! With the cops right there too?!"​
​
But anyway, I went inside and paid. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming, my gut knew what was happening. I looked out the window and the man's arm was on fire! ​
​
He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! As I went outside, I saw the ​
officers take him to the ground and they put the fire out with their coffee!!​
​
Then they handcuffed him and threw him in the back of their police car. ​
​
I, being the curious person that I am, asked the cops what they were arresting him for... ​
​
The officer looked me square in the eyes and said ........ "WAVING A FIREARM!"


:FordSmile​








 
Forgetful Franny







​
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

​
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

​
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?"he barked, "I dropped you off!"

​
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

​

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"

​








 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse” he mumbles from behind the mask, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, “Theres nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.” The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very very closely: ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?
 
44245429_855929451463805_670940240289988608_n.jpg
 




A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested
for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
​
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool."
​
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."​
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"​
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."​
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

"Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
​
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas."​







 
Thats Odd, I posted them yesterday and I can still see every Pic. If a Mod could delete the ones that no one else can see, is would be great.
 
















________________________________________


>>
>> While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a
>> condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the
>> States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
>> purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
>>
>>
>>
>> The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and
>> tells the man to return in two days for the results.
>>
>>
>>
>> The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news
>> for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of
>> here in the US , we know very little about it.”
>>
>>
>>
>> The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something
>> and fix me up, Doc.”
>>
>>
>>
>> The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to
>> amputate your penis.
>>
>>
>>
>> The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!
>>
>>
>>
>> The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but
>> surgery is your only option.”
>>
>>
>>
>> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know
>> more about the disease.
>>
>>
>>
>> The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.
>> Vewy ware disease.
>>
>>
>>
>> The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we
>> do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
>>
>>
>>
>> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah,
>> always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
>>
>>
>>
>> "Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>


​


​







 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top