Fred's Funny pages

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My son arrived home from school today, excited.as all get out.

He said, "Daddy Daddy, I found out today, that I have the biggest penis of all the boys in the grade 2 class. Is that because I'm so smart?"

His Dad said, "No Son, that's because your 16 years old..."
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.



The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.



"They're on sale; only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back. We can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.



A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.



Her husband retorts, "So does the 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!"
 
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door,

then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.



"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.



"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.



"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."



The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got

undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying

provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.



"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.



"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
 
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife – she Ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."



Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over....women like that are

hard to find."
 
An Irish priest was transferred to SW Florida



Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Englewood mission

parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then

noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police

station.



The conversation went like this:



"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass

lying dead in me front lawn and would Ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the

matter?"



Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he

would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that

you people took care of the last rites!"



There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......



Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first,

which is the reason for me call."
 






A guy from ALABAMA passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
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How do you know when you're staying in a ALABAMA hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
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How can you tell if an ALABAMA redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in ALABAMA to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in ALABAMA?
Documentaries.
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Where was the toothbrush invented? ALABAMA. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.








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An ALABAMA State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies"Bout wut?"
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Did you hear about the $3 million ALABAMA State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
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The governor's mansion in ALABAMA burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
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A new law was recently passed in ALABAMA. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
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A guy walks into a bar in ALABAMA and orders a mudslide.The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are yaboy?





"No", replies the man, "I'm from Arkansas."





The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Arkansas?"





"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.





The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"





The man says,"I mount animals."





The bartender hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"









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