Fred's Funny pages
- Thread starter Ohtobbad
- Start date
TrueBlue02058
Post King
An Accurate Statement.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Timely advice.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Frank and Dianne were in a local shopping centre just before Christmas. Dianne suddenly noticed that
Frank was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Dianne asked, "Frank,
where are you? You know that we have lots to do."
Frank said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with
a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down Dianne's cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that
shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that.
Frank was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Dianne asked, "Frank,
where are you? You know that we have lots to do."
Frank said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with
a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down Dianne's cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that
shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
A nice, calm and respectable looking lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked
straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
TrueBlue02058
Post King
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and profane.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and
the parrot got angrier and ruder.
In desperation, John threw the bird into the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, and swore.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the lid to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you
with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my behavior."
Before he could ask what brought about such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up and
very softly asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and profane.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and
the parrot got angrier and ruder.
In desperation, John threw the bird into the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, and swore.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the lid to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you
with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my behavior."
Before he could ask what brought about such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up and
very softly asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Subject: : Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life
The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem to be fairly valid...
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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TrueBlue02058
Post King
I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man?..that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver...
An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man?..that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver...
TrueBlue02058
Post King
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Scary Thought. Will never happen, cause the Shit Boxes in photo weren't built to last.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Chicks Love It !
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Very tastefully done.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Witch one would you rather own ?
TrueBlue02058
Post King
I agree with this statement.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
Lets keep picking on Hondas.
