Fred's Funny pages

[h=1]Two Nuns[/h] There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
 
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?"
The rabbi replied "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in
understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking,
for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said "Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"
 
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to
see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I
appreciate your help."
 
Know you know..

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The Post Office.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing, and I think it might have been those bastards down at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna
 
Ohtobbad;n8023 said:
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?"
The rabbi replied "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in
understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking,
for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said "Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"
Click to expand...

Growing Old really Sucks. Same Post from September 5th. :FordSmile
 
I am probably guilty of double posting the odd car in some of the other threads that we post pics of Mustangs and Non Mustangs. And my memory like yours is great for useless information , but everything else is on a sticky note.
 
A SENIORS PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why facebook exists I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, everyday I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
 
I never had Facebook and now that I do, it amazes me what people
tell you. The ones I love the most, it those saying you have to like and share everything
if you agree. I presume if you don't then you don't agree, who has the time for this stuff.
Many things I agree with, but they post the same stuff in a different way each day and sometimes
several times a day. I think they need a hobby or 6.
 
I don't Facebook, text, or tweet. In todays digital world it's nearly impossible to get and maintain any privacy. Case in point are these brain dead celebrities who get all upset and indignant when someone hacks their cell phone accounts and post naked pictures of them all over the internet. I mean, come on, how stupid can you be. And let's not even mention those who deliberately e-mail, post, tweet etc... questionable photos of themselves, Anthony Weiner anyone? Maybe I'm too old to understand why everyone is so enthralled with their "devices", I just see them as an expensive waste of time with serious privacy issues.
 

#181.1

Ohtobbad commented


"I never had Facebook and now that I do, it amazes me what people
tell you. The ones I love the most, it those saying you have to like and share everything
if you agree. I presume if you don't then you don't agree,"

I hate those posts. I don't want anyone telling me what to share, or like. I will if I want to. Call me a bastard, if I don't signal agreement on some issue.:(

​I started a Facebook account to contact a few old school chums, and/or, at least see what they were doing these days. Curious as well, to see what some of the old girlfriends look like..lol ..Damn.. time is sure cruel on some..Others, hmmm..maybe I should have taken them a bit more seriously.. A couple are outright GILF's ;) Google that if you dare..lol.
 
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