Fred's Funny pages

I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the eggs burning, and wife face down on the kitchen floor - not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:00.
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay?!"
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After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself - I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - screw it !!!
 
A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f____g mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f____g pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f___ did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married!
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
Murphy applied for a fermentation managers post, at a famous whiskey firm based in Ontario.
A Newfie applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications,
they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview,
but we've decided to give the Newfie the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct.
This being Ontario, and me being from here, surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, said, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Newfie wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, “Neither do I."
 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex!

Whoops. the wife spotted me making this post...
She just informed me if I don't get off this computer, she will ram my face into the keyboard,

I know she's only fr6egfigszxqx#%/%"@$=%*^/=%$'Xfssbfhhhjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
 
I went to church this morning and the vicar almost fell down when he saw me. I'd never been to church in years.
After the service, the vicar caught up with me and said. "I am so glad you decided to come to church. What made you come?"
I said. "I got to be honest with you vicar. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that John Hall had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during the service and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal his hat."

The vicar said. "Well, I notice that you didn't steal his hat. What changed your mind?"
I replied. "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal his hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the vicar gave me a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

I slowly shook my head. "No, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."
 
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