Fred's Funny pages
- Thread starter Ohtobbad
- Start date
KBStang
Well-known member
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,
"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he
left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian .. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have
made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke!
"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he
left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian .. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have
made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke!
AC Bill
Well-known member
Sign of the times? 
U.S. · Apr 15, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a landmark initiative praised by advocates as a sign of tremendous progress for the handicapped community, the state of California mandated that homeowners install wheelchair ramps on all porches for disabled burglars.
Officials said it wasn't right for handicapped criminals to be denied access to a majority of homes throughout the state, making it a priority to make sure disabled burglars would be able to get into every house.
"Who are we to deny an intruder access based on their disability?" asked Governor Gavin Newsom at a press conference announcing the mandate. "The days of ableist homeowners discriminating against the handicapped burglars of our society are over. California will be a land of opportunity — for all criminals."
The mandate, expected to be quickly codified into state law by the California legislature, will order all homeowners and landlords throughout the state to install porch ramps by the end of the year. "By the time 2026 rolls around, all homes will be accessible to the burglars who need it most."
Sources said the Governor's Office had set an internal goal of making California more appealing for disabled crime to attract physically and mentally handicapped burglars to relocate to the state. "We're focused on growing California," one insider said. "Wheelchair-bound burglars can feel confident that they will have a bright future here."
At publishing time, Newsom's staff had reportedly begun work on an additional plan to require homeowners to post maps of their homes at the entrance so intruders could navigate their way to any valuables more easily.
California Mandates Homeowners Install Wheelchair Ramps On Porches For Disabled Burglars
U.S. · Apr 15, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a landmark initiative praised by advocates as a sign of tremendous progress for the handicapped community, the state of California mandated that homeowners install wheelchair ramps on all porches for disabled burglars.
Officials said it wasn't right for handicapped criminals to be denied access to a majority of homes throughout the state, making it a priority to make sure disabled burglars would be able to get into every house.
"Who are we to deny an intruder access based on their disability?" asked Governor Gavin Newsom at a press conference announcing the mandate. "The days of ableist homeowners discriminating against the handicapped burglars of our society are over. California will be a land of opportunity — for all criminals."
The mandate, expected to be quickly codified into state law by the California legislature, will order all homeowners and landlords throughout the state to install porch ramps by the end of the year. "By the time 2026 rolls around, all homes will be accessible to the burglars who need it most."
Sources said the Governor's Office had set an internal goal of making California more appealing for disabled crime to attract physically and mentally handicapped burglars to relocate to the state. "We're focused on growing California," one insider said. "Wheelchair-bound burglars can feel confident that they will have a bright future here."
At publishing time, Newsom's staff had reportedly begun work on an additional plan to require homeowners to post maps of their homes at the entrance so intruders could navigate their way to any valuables more easily.
TrueBlue02058
Post King
I would build a ramp that went downhill into a Pit full of SnakesSign of the times?
California Mandates Homeowners Install Wheelchair Ramps On Porches For Disabled Burglars
U.S. · Apr 15, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a landmark initiative praised by advocates as a sign of tremendous progress for the handicapped community, the state of California mandated that homeowners install wheelchair ramps on all porches for disabled burglars.
Officials said it wasn't right for handicapped criminals to be denied access to a majority of homes throughout the state, making it a priority to make sure disabled burglars would be able to get into every house.
"Who are we to deny an intruder access based on their disability?" asked Governor Gavin Newsom at a press conference announcing the mandate. "The days of ableist homeowners discriminating against the handicapped burglars of our society are over. California will be a land of opportunity — for all criminals."
The mandate, expected to be quickly codified into state law by the California legislature, will order all homeowners and landlords throughout the state to install porch ramps by the end of the year. "By the time 2026 rolls around, all homes will be accessible to the burglars who need it most."
Sources said the Governor's Office had set an internal goal of making California more appealing for disabled crime to attract physically and mentally handicapped burglars to relocate to the state. "We're focused on growing California," one insider said. "Wheelchair-bound burglars can feel confident that they will have a bright future here."
At publishing time, Newsom's staff had reportedly begun work on an additional plan to require homeowners to post maps of their homes at the entrance so intruders could navigate their way to any valuables more easily.
this is a testament to why nothing is built in America anymore
